[He heads out that way a few minutes later, after grabbing his hoodie and pulling it on. The mornings can get chilly here and they'll be near the water. Then he's headed out, hoping that they're playing.
It doesn't take him long to spot Roxas and Garrus joins him.]
[ His own little hood is pulled up over his head, and he glances out from the confines of it, his stupid big blue eyes make it hard for him to hide what he's really feeling, not that he's really trying to right now. ]
There's a couple.
[ He takes a handful of berries from his pocket, tossing them strategically out onto the water for the creatures. ]
Hopefully that'll... bring in a few more.
[ He liked the telusa, they were friendly and playful, and after how not friendly the planet has been the past few days... that's pretty much all Roxas has the stomach for. ]
[After a beat, Garrus puts an arm around the little guy. It's hard to know what to say here. Roxas has every right to be upset and discouraged, and there's nothing Garrus can really offer that's encouraging. This is just the start. They lost people and slaughtered two villages; there's only more death to come.]
I don't... really know what to say that would help here. I'm sorry. Came out to be here for you and this is one of the times when I don't have answers.
[ Roxas has never had a lot of hugs in his life. Part of it was its incredible brevity, but also the company he has kept. There's the cult where he was just a tool, and now the CDC where he might also be just a tool. Although he doesn't feel that way when Garrus gives him or a hug, or when Kino tells him they're so glad he's himself, or when Armada had told him he'd been capable of getting his own heart back all along.
He just leans into Garrus, chin tucked down, ]
All of this was.. pretty wrong. [ Although it's hard to articulate what's so different about Ajna versus Macha. Hard to explain the difference between this and the way he's always gone world to world killing things, fighting monsters, having to deal with atrocities. ] The Neraki shouldn't... have done that. It was cruel. And horrible.
[ And then he twists so he can just press his face into the dark space against Garrus's side, ]
But this guy in camp was kicking around one of their bodies and stomping on it too. That wasn't better.
[ Maybe just talking about it makes him feel better, in its own way. Maybe not, because he adds miserably, ]
[Garrus' mandibles draw very close to his face as Roxas talks. He's concerned for the boy, but also disgusted that someone they're working with would be so callous as to kick bodies around. Maybe they'd lost someone here. If it's in grief, it's excusable. But if it had been done in fun... Garrus isn't going to ask who, or for a description. It's better if he doesn't know.]
There's no call for cruelty. For inflicting more harm than we have to. Our job is... It's what we've got to do, but things have gone farther than they should.
[He sighs, and he squeezes Roxas' upper arm.]
When emotions run high, things get out of hand. We invaded the neraki's world and they're afraid. Maybe they hurt someone the guy cared about. A lot of people got hurt, and some died. You wouldn't just go and punch anyone, but you did punch Ansem, because he hurt you. That's how it works, sometimes.
I wish it didn't. Wish there wasn't ever any anger and pain that spilled over into what we did or do, but people are people. They feel things, they act on those feelings. And...
[Another sigh, and when he continues talking his voice is heavier.]
You get used to the smell. It's an awful moment when you realize that you have. But you do.
[ It makes him feel bad to hear Ansem mentioned. Especially because he knows, in that stupid way he knows things deep down inside himself, that Ansem was one of the recruits kidnapped, knows he's in medical and in pain after having that horrible thing done to him. Roxas didn't wish that on anybody. ]
I thought... [ And here's where he hesitates, and there's a strange tone to his voice. His horror and sorrow is still there, but there's also something steely. Something cold and angry too. ] I could handle it, no matter what.
[ And maybe what he's upset about is his own naivety? Maybe that anger is his determination to continue onwards in a cruel and unfair world that has hurt him more times than it should have by now. ]
I guess I have a lot to learn still.
[ And it would be a delicate balance of learning how to handle the smell of death and not tainting the precious heart he struggled so long to obtain for himself. ]
[This ground is so tricky, and Garrus takes a breath before talking.]
No one should ever get to a place where they can handle cruelty. We have to kill. But they don't have to make us cruel, or cold, or callous. We don't have to change who we are.
[He can't blame anyone for not knowing how to balance this. Even Garrus is struggling. Today he broke his personal code, one he'd held to for years. No part of this is easy.]
Learn, but learn while staying you. By staying Roxas. Because if you lose who you are, then what's the point of living? It becomes existence. Tedium. One day, and then another day, and no worth in them.
[One of the telusa splashes its way out, weaving around their feet, and Garrus watches it for a moment before continuing.]
Not shutting off what you feel means it's gonna hurt more. But that's what makes us people, the pain as well as the joy.
[ Roxas is listening, it's always easiest for him to just be quiet for a minute and let the words rattle around in his head (and his heart) for a minute or two. He crouches down when the telusa comes out onto land, looking a little dopey with its steps, heavy tail dragging behind it. He strokes the thing on the head, and finds that relaxing. He thinks about the rainy day on the beach with Tess, where they'd interacted with another school of creatures. ]
Roxas has been... [ He makes a soft little sound, frustrated by the way the words just won't come out of his mouth. ] Different people.
[ A sigh. ]
All the breaks in my memory... feel like other people. I remember doing all the things, but the reasons for doing them seem so far away and stupid and hard to understand.
[ Hindsight is 20/20. ]
Just being me... sounds really simple. But sometimes it's not.
Then let's try a different approach. Who do you want Roxas to be? Who do you want you to be? Not an easy question. Not something I expect you to have an answer for tonight.
[He wonders if the slower movements of this telusa are because it can sense Roxas is down. He wouldn't blame it. Garrus likes them, even though he's trying not to like them too much. There's a group he saw twice while mapping, and there's one in particular he'd gotten a little attached to despite his best efforts.]
Once you know who you wanna be, it'll be easier to be that. Still not simple, because of the way the CDC works, but maybe it'll help some.
[ He kind of likes that idea. Maybe it would help to really put in to words what he wants from himself. He's always just gone forward on instinct, on an unshakeable core that has always been there while the boy that faced the outside world--lonely and confused--shifted in the different lighting of his circumstances.
He spends another couple of moments just petting the telusa, then smiles at the creature, giving it a pat on the head in thanks. He pushes back up to his feet. ]
I'll think about it.
[ Maybe ask Kino about how one makes a self or something equally philosophical. In the meantime though, he reaches into his pocket and takes out the seashell charm. ]
I made some good luck charms. They're not magic or anything...
[He takes the charm, turning it over in his hands. Seashells. Physically nothing more than that, but Garrus knows the significance of good luck tokens. And while he doesn't put much stock in them, he's still touched that Roxas made it for him. The intent behind it is what matters.]
Thank you, Roxas.
[His mandibles flare out as he reaches up to loop it around one of the lengths of fringe coming off the top of his head. It won't stay there, but it's about the only place he has to wear something decorative.]
[ He gives a quick huff of a laugh, pleased, as Garrus it drapes the little charm. He's glad people have liked them. ]
I do... it's the charm on the end of my keyblade. The white one, Oathkeeper.
[ Although that is, quite honestly, a rather large can of worms. The charm at the end of that keyblade was one given to Sora by Kairi, and the essence of the blade is the promise between the two to always come back together. Roxas had only gained it when Xion had died, and she was absorbed into him, housed in the delicate beginnings of his heart. Their promise had come with no expectations of ever seeing each other again. She had asked him to stop the Organization... something he didn't fulfill, and is still striving for even here in the CDC. ]
[He's seen the weapon by now, and it only takes a moment to recall the charm. Garrus nods as soon as he's got the mental image again.]
Good. And you've still got your pendant?
[He can't really make things like this. Gun mods, sure, upgrading tech, he's got that, but nothing charm-like. But he'd bought all of the leapfrogs a charm that's supposed to have practical use, and he's still hoping it turns out to. He'll keep his kids safe, his people safe, one way or another.]
[ It's actually around his neck, saved for emergencies, and he pulls it up from under his shirt to show off. He had bought a bunch on Selena, his main souvenir, and hands them out pretty much whenever, but this one is special. ]
[He'll protect them as best he can, and that's part of it. Though he wonders if maybe Zuko or others would be doing better if they'd used theirs. It's too late now, though, and they're alive. That's what matters. That's all that matters, today. Tomorrow they can work on healing.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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FROM: roxas@cdc.org
Not really. I'm glad we got... some of us back.
FROM: roxas@cdc.org
But it was really horrible.
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FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
It was. Can I do anything for you? Company? Cowl-back ride? Gun lesson?
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I'm gonna... go see if there are any telusa out playing at the north end of camp. If you wanted to come.
[ That sounds like company would be cool. ]
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I'll see you there shortly.
[He heads out that way a few minutes later, after grabbing his hoodie and pulling it on. The mornings can get chilly here and they'll be near the water. Then he's headed out, hoping that they're playing.
It doesn't take him long to spot Roxas and Garrus joins him.]
Hey there. They out?
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There's a couple.
[ He takes a handful of berries from his pocket, tossing them strategically out onto the water for the creatures. ]
Hopefully that'll... bring in a few more.
[ He liked the telusa, they were friendly and playful, and after how not friendly the planet has been the past few days... that's pretty much all Roxas has the stomach for. ]
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[After a beat, Garrus puts an arm around the little guy. It's hard to know what to say here. Roxas has every right to be upset and discouraged, and there's nothing Garrus can really offer that's encouraging. This is just the start. They lost people and slaughtered two villages; there's only more death to come.]
I don't... really know what to say that would help here. I'm sorry. Came out to be here for you and this is one of the times when I don't have answers.
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He just leans into Garrus, chin tucked down, ]
All of this was.. pretty wrong. [ Although it's hard to articulate what's so different about Ajna versus Macha. Hard to explain the difference between this and the way he's always gone world to world killing things, fighting monsters, having to deal with atrocities. ] The Neraki shouldn't... have done that. It was cruel. And horrible.
[ And then he twists so he can just press his face into the dark space against Garrus's side, ]
But this guy in camp was kicking around one of their bodies and stomping on it too. That wasn't better.
[ Maybe just talking about it makes him feel better, in its own way. Maybe not, because he adds miserably, ]
The smell is horrible.
[ All the bodies. And the burning flesh. ]
no subject
There's no call for cruelty. For inflicting more harm than we have to. Our job is... It's what we've got to do, but things have gone farther than they should.
[He sighs, and he squeezes Roxas' upper arm.]
When emotions run high, things get out of hand. We invaded the neraki's world and they're afraid. Maybe they hurt someone the guy cared about. A lot of people got hurt, and some died. You wouldn't just go and punch anyone, but you did punch Ansem, because he hurt you. That's how it works, sometimes.
I wish it didn't. Wish there wasn't ever any anger and pain that spilled over into what we did or do, but people are people. They feel things, they act on those feelings. And...
[Another sigh, and when he continues talking his voice is heavier.]
You get used to the smell. It's an awful moment when you realize that you have. But you do.
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I thought... [ And here's where he hesitates, and there's a strange tone to his voice. His horror and sorrow is still there, but there's also something steely. Something cold and angry too. ] I could handle it, no matter what.
[ And maybe what he's upset about is his own naivety? Maybe that anger is his determination to continue onwards in a cruel and unfair world that has hurt him more times than it should have by now. ]
I guess I have a lot to learn still.
[ And it would be a delicate balance of learning how to handle the smell of death and not tainting the precious heart he struggled so long to obtain for himself. ]
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No one should ever get to a place where they can handle cruelty. We have to kill. But they don't have to make us cruel, or cold, or callous. We don't have to change who we are.
[He can't blame anyone for not knowing how to balance this. Even Garrus is struggling. Today he broke his personal code, one he'd held to for years. No part of this is easy.]
Learn, but learn while staying you. By staying Roxas. Because if you lose who you are, then what's the point of living? It becomes existence. Tedium. One day, and then another day, and no worth in them.
[One of the telusa splashes its way out, weaving around their feet, and Garrus watches it for a moment before continuing.]
Not shutting off what you feel means it's gonna hurt more. But that's what makes us people, the pain as well as the joy.
no subject
Roxas has been... [ He makes a soft little sound, frustrated by the way the words just won't come out of his mouth. ] Different people.
[ A sigh. ]
All the breaks in my memory... feel like other people. I remember doing all the things, but the reasons for doing them seem so far away and stupid and hard to understand.
[ Hindsight is 20/20. ]
Just being me... sounds really simple. But sometimes it's not.
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[He wonders if the slower movements of this telusa are because it can sense Roxas is down. He wouldn't blame it. Garrus likes them, even though he's trying not to like them too much. There's a group he saw twice while mapping, and there's one in particular he'd gotten a little attached to despite his best efforts.]
Once you know who you wanna be, it'll be easier to be that. Still not simple, because of the way the CDC works, but maybe it'll help some.
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He spends another couple of moments just petting the telusa, then smiles at the creature, giving it a pat on the head in thanks. He pushes back up to his feet. ]
I'll think about it.
[ Maybe ask Kino about how one makes a self or something equally philosophical. In the meantime though, he reaches into his pocket and takes out the seashell charm. ]
I made some good luck charms. They're not magic or anything...
[ Just precious as fuck, nbd. ]
But maybe they'll help, a little.
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[He takes the charm, turning it over in his hands. Seashells. Physically nothing more than that, but Garrus knows the significance of good luck tokens. And while he doesn't put much stock in them, he's still touched that Roxas made it for him. The intent behind it is what matters.]
Thank you, Roxas.
[His mandibles flare out as he reaches up to loop it around one of the lengths of fringe coming off the top of his head. It won't stay there, but it's about the only place he has to wear something decorative.]
You've got one for yourself too, yeah?
no subject
I do... it's the charm on the end of my keyblade. The white one, Oathkeeper.
[ Although that is, quite honestly, a rather large can of worms. The charm at the end of that keyblade was one given to Sora by Kairi, and the essence of the blade is the promise between the two to always come back together. Roxas had only gained it when Xion had died, and she was absorbed into him, housed in the delicate beginnings of his heart. Their promise had come with no expectations of ever seeing each other again. She had asked him to stop the Organization... something he didn't fulfill, and is still striving for even here in the CDC. ]
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Good. And you've still got your pendant?
[He can't really make things like this. Gun mods, sure, upgrading tech, he's got that, but nothing charm-like. But he'd bought all of the leapfrogs a charm that's supposed to have practical use, and he's still hoping it turns out to. He'll keep his kids safe, his people safe, one way or another.]
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[ It's actually around his neck, saved for emergencies, and he pulls it up from under his shirt to show off. He had bought a bunch on Selena, his main souvenir, and hands them out pretty much whenever, but this one is special. ]
Kind of saving it.
[ For something pretty dire. ]
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[He'll protect them as best he can, and that's part of it. Though he wonders if maybe Zuko or others would be doing better if they'd used theirs. It's too late now, though, and they're alive. That's what matters. That's all that matters, today. Tomorrow they can work on healing.]
Thank you, Roxas. You feeling better?
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Yeah, definitely.
[ Kinda. Probably has some stuff to think about still. ]
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[He doesn't want the kid hanging around more than he wants to. Garrus wants to be available to help, not forcing himself into people's time.]
I'm around whenever you need me, Roxas.